Feeling Left Out

I think everyone has experienced feeling left out. From playground games of kickball to friends leaving for college, from being on the "wrong" soccer team to friends entering different stages of life before you.

I never understood how important "stage of life" was in friendship until recently. About four years ago, all of my friends were newly married and/or pregnant, and I was in a long term, long distance relationship. I was always the third wheel, the fifth wheel, once I was even the ninth wheel!

I was genuinely happy for my friends, but I couldn't help feeling a little left out. For one thing, I missed Steven like crazy and I admit I was jealous that they got to see their significant others every day. But mostly I felt left out. They were all going thru the newlywed phase together, and I wasn't even in the engaged phase yet. I felt like an outsider in my own group of friends, most of whom I'd been friends with before they had either met or began dating their significant others. I think the last straw for me was when they all went on a camping trip together and, not only was I not invited, I found out about it thru social media.

After Steven and I got married, I moved back to LA while he was finishing school. I basically haven't talked to any of these friends since then, save for a few "happy birthday" messages or texts of "we really should get together sometime soon." I have since moved back to Northern California, about 45 minutes from most of my "friends" and have only seen two of them twice.

Part of this is my problem. I have hardly done any reaching out to these friends since moving back. Somewhat because I'm still hurt by the neglect from 4 years ago (get over it already), but mostly because, once again, I'm in a different stage of life than these friends. I love these people dearly, but I think I have finally understood the importance of stage of life. I'm in the middle of a working on my self and my career phase, they are all happily ensconced in the baby/toddler phase. Truth be told, they have more in common now with my sister than with me, the age gap of 6 years no longer a factor.

While this is a hard concept for me to grasp, especially given that I will probably never be in the baby/motherhood phase like most of the women I meet, I'm glad it's starting to sink in that stage of life matters so much in friendships. This doesn't mean that I can't get together with my mom friends and enjoy their company ever again. It's just that those get togethers might revolve more around kid birthday parties, baby showers loud cries, and sticky fingers than they used to.

And that's ok.

It's also ok for me to find a group that fits my life stage more appropriately. For us, that looks like Double Income No Kids (DINKs) at the moment. We've found some amazing friends that are happy with just being a gang of two like we have and it feels amazing to share that stage with other people.

It's good to have friends in other stages of life, it gives perspective. But it's nice to sometimes get together with other people traveling the same path you are on, to share life with.

Stress-Obsessed Culture - It's Not That Serious!

I have an incredible knack for finding stress in any situation.

Whether it's time off between jobs, moving to college, or lounging on a Saturday morning, my brain is always working overtime, trying to figure out what is on my to-do list and what are my plans for like next day, week, month, year, life. 

My body reacts to stress in very interesting ways.

For the first five weeks I was away at college, I spent about $100 on medicine for about 4 different "illnesses." I was so stressed out that I woke up one morning and my eye was literally swollen shut. I still have dreams about being late to class in high school. I wake up in a panic that it's the end of my last college semester and somehow I've managed to forget that I was enrolled in a history class that I haven't been to all semester. For the last two years, I've been having stress dreams about work.

It seems like every where I look, and everyone I talk to is dealing with some amount of "stress" in their life. Expecting a second child, unbearable working conditions/hours, studying for a test/class, unexpected bills, unexpected illnesses, horrible bosses, or any other life change -- big or small. Why do we spend so much effort worrying about things? Whether it's worrying about something you can change or worrying about something out of your control, what is the point of worrying? If it's out of your control, there is no use worrying. What will happen, will happen. All you can change is your reaction to the situation. If it something you can change, why stress over it? Instead of being stressed out about a job you hate, why don't you get a new job?

I think some people are better at this than others. For me, when work gets too stressful, I just want to shake the person on the other end of my frustration and yell, "it's not that serious!" Now, please don't take this attitude if you are a doctor and your stress comes from saving a person's life. That is serious. But for most of us, in our everyday lives, with our everyday stresses, it just really is not that serious.

Sometimes it's a good reminder. Is my house a mess? Yes. Am I frustrated with my job/boss? Yes. Am I concerned about failing a test? Yes. Are these things serious? No. Not in the grand scheme of my life. I can change all of these things on my own and I can reframe the way I handle their innate "stress" by reminding myself.

It's Not That Serious. 

Embracing Change

For the majority of my life, I’ve stuck to strictly reading fiction. I detested reading anything preachy or labeled “self-help” and most of my college books, or as my family affectionately called them, my “hate the white man” books. I’ve been involved in countless small groups, and have barely skimmed through the required pages. People recommend non-fiction to me and I laugh and say, oh no, I only read fiction.

Except for some reason, this year, I’m on my 8th non-fiction book. 8th! And to be perfectly honest, I’m loving it. (Quick caveat:  of these books, Yes Please! by Amy Poehler, Bossypants by Tina Fey, Why Not Me by Mindy Kaling, and Still Foolin’ Em by Billy Crystal were not exactly a struggle, as they are hilarious and I listened to the audiobooks, read by the authors, on my commute. And, as they were written by comedians and comedy writers, there was probably quite a bit of embellishment to make them funnier.) Four of these books were straight up non-fiction and deal with some stuff that I struggle with: good/bad habits, saying yes, happiness, clutter, and weight.

I think the reason this year has been such a turning point in my reading life because there have been a lot of big changes in my life this year. Steven and I took our first real vacation since our honeymoon, I became an aunt, I lost my cousin, Steven graduated from grad school, I quit my job, we moved 400 miles back to the Sacramento area, Steven started his career and immediately jumped into tomato season, I was unemployed and questioning “what I wanted to do when I grew up,” I met some new friends, I started a new job… it’s only November, and this list is not exhaustive (I’ve left out two major changes as they aren’t mine to share). Overall it’s been a pretty good year for me, but I struggle with change. I’m not sure anyone really likes change, as humans are creatures of habit, but I think some people handle it better than others.

So it makes sense why I am drawn to such titles as Better than Before, The Happiness Project, Year of Yes, and Lose the Clutter, Lose the Weight. I’m struggling to make sense of the chaos and change and bring order and routine back into my life. I’m laboring to make good habits, overcome bad habits, clear out clutter, say yes to adventure, and bring about a more positive outlook on my life.

What are some bad habits that you are trying to break or good habits you are trying to adopt? What are some methods that have helped you embrace change? Also, I’m open to book recommendations. ;)

Attitude of Gratitude

I love November.

In college, November was usually the first time I would get to go home during the semester. For the last two years it’s meant driving 14+ hours during the nation’s most heavily traveled holiday weekend. It’s marked by cooler temps, changing leaves, rain, visits with family and friends, and thankfulness. While I love all of the aspects of this month (minus the long drive, which I finally don’t have to do this year, yay!), thankfulness and gratitude is the thing I’m really looking forward to as we enter this month.

October was hard this year. There has been some serious stress in my life in the last month, and at times, it’s been hard to be grateful about all of the good things in my life. The weird thing is, there are far more things in my life to be thankful for than stressed about. It just seems like the stressful things have more weight than the thankful things. Why is it that three big stressful things outweigh 100 things to be thankful for? Or maybe the better question is, why do we let the stressful things take up more space than the good things?

I have a friend on Facebook that posts “10 Great Things that Happened to Me Today/This Weekend/This Week”. I thoroughly enjoy reading these lists because they exude gratitude. A few weeks ago, in the midst of my crazy October, he posted his usual list of great things, followed by the same list from a different perspective. I read through the first list thinking, wow, these guys had a great vacation! I read through the second list thinking, wow, sounds like a miserable trip, everything seemed to go wrong! But the thing is, it was the exact same trip and the same events he was describing, but from a different perspective.

I tend to have the second perspective; Steven, thank goodness, has the first. His catch phrase is “Living the Dream.” When someone asks him “how’s it going?” he will almost always say “oh, living the dream!” The crazy thing to me is he says it honestly. I tried saying it once, it comes out sounding completely sarcastic. But I would love to be able to say it someday and sound sincere and genuine, because I do have a great life and I have so much to be thankful for.

So as November rolls along toward Thanksgiving, I’m going to adopt an attitude of gratitude and I challenge you to join me. I’m keeping a list of things that I am grateful for, not only to help me stop and be thankful for the good things, but to remind me in midst of intense stress of all the things I have to give thanks for. Feel free to let me know what you are thankful for this month in the comments.

Have a Grateful Month!

What Am I Waiting For?

I expected to reconnect easily with family and friends when Steven and I moved back to town in June. I immediately posted on Facebook that we had moved back to the Sacramento area and then eagerly awaited the flood of lunch/coffee/drink invitations that I was sure would follow. 

...crickets...

I'm still waiting. 

I had one friend reach out and invite me to lunch within a few days/weeks of being home, and my parents and in-laws have invited us to dinner and various events a few times. 

That's it. One friend and my family. 

After weeks of feeling lonely and sorry for myself (much longer than I'm proud of) and an interesting conversation with my sister about her similar experience with friends in Santa Cruz, I realized something. If I wanted to see my friends, I had to make it happen. I'll be the first one to admit that I am terrible at keeping in touch with friends that live far away, as I detest talking on the phone, usually. But I realized that while I expected them to be jumping at the chance to hang out with me after my long absence in LA, their lives had not paused while I had been gone. Most of my friends had several babies, new houses, new jobs, and a plethora of other life *stuff* since I had moved away. So, why was I shocked that no one seemed to care that I was back in town (and had more time on my hands than I knew what to do with)?

Because I'm self-centered. And selfish. 

Why couldn't these friends call me or invite me to things or even acknowledge that I am back in town?

Because their lives don't revolve around me. SHOCKER! 

Even though quitting my job and moving back up to Sac so Steven could start his career was a giant change for me, for most of my friends, it was just something that popped up on their Newsfeed one afternoon. They had work in the morning like the day before and the next day, they had to feed their babies and their husbands, they were in the process of buying a new house, or planning a wedding, or just generally living their lives. They had routines and families and lives; they weren't trying to ignore me, it's just that I hadn't been around in so long, they probably said the same thing in reverse. "She's back in town; she'll get in touch with me." 

And after a while (a loooooong while), I realized if I wanted to see them, I had to make the effort. If I didn't want to sit at home all day alone and bored, waiting for Steven to get off work, I had to make the call. If I wanted to meet people in this new town where we only knew each other, I had to make it happen. 

I've since texted/called several friends from before, started a Meetup group, made an impromptu visit to see my parents, visited my sister to help her out (mostly to cuddle my adorable nephew Remington and pretend to help <3), and started to collect items for a care package for my best friend in Alaska (because she's amazing and once sent me a "box of sunshine" because I seemed like I could use some cheering up, not because I would naturally think to do that on my own). 

What am I waiting for? If I want good friends, I have to be intentional about maintaining those relationships. I'm not sure why I think friendships can just sustain themselves from 400 miles, 4000, or even 40! If I'm not putting in any effort, how can I expect them to?