Feeling Left Out

I think everyone has experienced feeling left out. From playground games of kickball to friends leaving for college, from being on the "wrong" soccer team to friends entering different stages of life before you.

I never understood how important "stage of life" was in friendship until recently. About four years ago, all of my friends were newly married and/or pregnant, and I was in a long term, long distance relationship. I was always the third wheel, the fifth wheel, once I was even the ninth wheel!

I was genuinely happy for my friends, but I couldn't help feeling a little left out. For one thing, I missed Steven like crazy and I admit I was jealous that they got to see their significant others every day. But mostly I felt left out. They were all going thru the newlywed phase together, and I wasn't even in the engaged phase yet. I felt like an outsider in my own group of friends, most of whom I'd been friends with before they had either met or began dating their significant others. I think the last straw for me was when they all went on a camping trip together and, not only was I not invited, I found out about it thru social media.

After Steven and I got married, I moved back to LA while he was finishing school. I basically haven't talked to any of these friends since then, save for a few "happy birthday" messages or texts of "we really should get together sometime soon." I have since moved back to Northern California, about 45 minutes from most of my "friends" and have only seen two of them twice.

Part of this is my problem. I have hardly done any reaching out to these friends since moving back. Somewhat because I'm still hurt by the neglect from 4 years ago (get over it already), but mostly because, once again, I'm in a different stage of life than these friends. I love these people dearly, but I think I have finally understood the importance of stage of life. I'm in the middle of a working on my self and my career phase, they are all happily ensconced in the baby/toddler phase. Truth be told, they have more in common now with my sister than with me, the age gap of 6 years no longer a factor.

While this is a hard concept for me to grasp, especially given that I will probably never be in the baby/motherhood phase like most of the women I meet, I'm glad it's starting to sink in that stage of life matters so much in friendships. This doesn't mean that I can't get together with my mom friends and enjoy their company ever again. It's just that those get togethers might revolve more around kid birthday parties, baby showers loud cries, and sticky fingers than they used to.

And that's ok.

It's also ok for me to find a group that fits my life stage more appropriately. For us, that looks like Double Income No Kids (DINKs) at the moment. We've found some amazing friends that are happy with just being a gang of two like we have and it feels amazing to share that stage with other people.

It's good to have friends in other stages of life, it gives perspective. But it's nice to sometimes get together with other people traveling the same path you are on, to share life with.

Stress-Obsessed Culture - It's Not That Serious!

I have an incredible knack for finding stress in any situation.

Whether it's time off between jobs, moving to college, or lounging on a Saturday morning, my brain is always working overtime, trying to figure out what is on my to-do list and what are my plans for like next day, week, month, year, life. 

My body reacts to stress in very interesting ways.

For the first five weeks I was away at college, I spent about $100 on medicine for about 4 different "illnesses." I was so stressed out that I woke up one morning and my eye was literally swollen shut. I still have dreams about being late to class in high school. I wake up in a panic that it's the end of my last college semester and somehow I've managed to forget that I was enrolled in a history class that I haven't been to all semester. For the last two years, I've been having stress dreams about work.

It seems like every where I look, and everyone I talk to is dealing with some amount of "stress" in their life. Expecting a second child, unbearable working conditions/hours, studying for a test/class, unexpected bills, unexpected illnesses, horrible bosses, or any other life change -- big or small. Why do we spend so much effort worrying about things? Whether it's worrying about something you can change or worrying about something out of your control, what is the point of worrying? If it's out of your control, there is no use worrying. What will happen, will happen. All you can change is your reaction to the situation. If it something you can change, why stress over it? Instead of being stressed out about a job you hate, why don't you get a new job?

I think some people are better at this than others. For me, when work gets too stressful, I just want to shake the person on the other end of my frustration and yell, "it's not that serious!" Now, please don't take this attitude if you are a doctor and your stress comes from saving a person's life. That is serious. But for most of us, in our everyday lives, with our everyday stresses, it just really is not that serious.

Sometimes it's a good reminder. Is my house a mess? Yes. Am I frustrated with my job/boss? Yes. Am I concerned about failing a test? Yes. Are these things serious? No. Not in the grand scheme of my life. I can change all of these things on my own and I can reframe the way I handle their innate "stress" by reminding myself.

It's Not That Serious.